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While you’re waiting, take a load off.

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wait (verb): to stay in place in expectation of; to pause for another to catch up; to look forward expectantly; to be ready and available; to remain neglected or unrealized 

As I read Elder Hale’s “Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done” from this past General Conference, I was filled with a bunch of emotions…and not all of them were good.

You see, about three and a half years ago when I was on my mission, I started to get sick. Several doctors visits, a few trips to the states (I served in Canada) and a CT scan later, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I refused to go home. At the end of my mission, and several more doctors visits later, they still couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I’ll fast forward a few years, many diagnostic tests, medications, doctors, therapists, and frustrations later to here: the neurologist thinks I’m having localized seizures, and they’re setting off migraine-type reactions as an aftermath. In any case, nothing is conclusive yet, and it’s making school and work interesting.

Elder Scott said, “Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, ‘O God, where art thou?’ Yes!…’weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.’ Then in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying ‘Thy will be done.'”

What happens when you feel like you’ve been through all that and it’s only gotten worse? You’ve had the joy of the morning, but after waiting and waiting you just seem to throw your ticket in your bedside table and go back to sleep?

I’m one of those delightfully stubborn people. Type A, I believe they call us. Some call us “doers.” In any case, we don’t take no for an answer. This can be incredibly good sometimes, but when it’s God and when it’s His will and you’re fighting against it…well, kids, I think they call that “kicking against the pricks.” It wasn’t very good for Saul, and it certainly isn’t very good for me.

Do you know how many times Elder Scott said the word wait in his talk?

27.

I was told in several priesthood blessings that I would be healed from this–but not yet. Not now. That I would have to wait.

Waiting is not something I am good at. Waiting is a passive virtue, something that makes you feel that you are not actually doing anything to help accomplish the means to your end. And that’s when it hit me…we need to give up the control. We need to not only give up the control in steering the ship (because let’s face it, we’re not the captains here, and any attempts at believing that we are is a sad facade), but we need to give up control of trying to bear everything ourselves. I am reminded of something one of the elders on my mission passed along to me:

“When we are frustrated, we are taking the burdens upon ourselves, instead of letting Christ take the burdens for us.”

So while we wait the Lord we really need to weight upon the Lord.

weight (noun): a heavy object; something heavy, load; burden, pressure; overpowering force; relative heaviness

One of my stake presidents gave this beautiful talk once about the Atonement and described us taking advantage of it. He likened it to the poem Footprints (which I have always liked). He said that taking advantage of the Atonement was like that: that when you really got it, you could look over in the sand next to you and see the Savior’s feet sink a little lower with the weight of your burden. And you could breathe again. And you would just walk forward. Or you would just let him carry you, for awhile, until you could walk again. That depiction is so incredibly beautiful and moving, and yet it’s so hard for me to take into my life.

It’s not that I don’t think I deserve it. It’s just that I want to do it by myself. I want to show me that I can do it. I want to show Him that I can do it. And that’s not what He wants at all. Here He is, standing and shaking His head as I struggle beneath the weight, and all He wants me to do is reach out and give it to Him. Just hand it over, and follow beside.

“Every one of us is more beloved to the Lord than we can possibly understand or imagine. Let us therefore be kinder to one another and kinder towards ourselves, ” Elder Scott said. That reminded me of something that Elder Smith once said in a zone conference. He simply stated, “When you feel yourself being nicer to others–or being nicer to yourself, that’s a tough one–the Atonement’s working in your life.”

All I have to do is give it up. Give up the weight, and wait. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

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About bekiweki

I'm a student at Brigham Young University majoring in communications with a public relations emphasis and minoring in business management and editing. If you think that's a mouthful, listen to me talk. I usually have ten projects going on at any one time. I'm from Wisconsin and have the accent to prove it, I love to travel, I'm obsessed with social media and I'm usually daydreaming or scheming something. This is where it gets interesting.

3 responses »

  1. Beki, you made me cry. You and are so much alike on so many levels. Dustin has had his hands full with me since we got married. I keep getting sicker and sicker. All sorts of weird symptoms, and I have been “kicking against the pricks”. Finding out that I’ve gained extra weight since the summer doesn’t help, either. It makes me feel like a failure, despite everything I’ve tried.

    I know you know how I feel, though. And I know how it feels to not be able to get answers as to what is going on with our bodies.

    To wait upon the Lord even though we have been promised healing.

    It is interesting. I think about the lessons I have learned over my lifetime, and have seen how I’ve learned this “let go and let God” thing in small doses. I finally let go of trying to understand, to my rational satisfaction, how the Lord was going to fulfill His promise to me in finding an eternal companion. Perhaps that is why He told me the things He did; because I wasn’t to understand how — He wanted me to simply be still and believe.

    Which, I finally did. And less than a full month later, Dustin walked into my life.

    I’m still trying to remember how I figured all that out and applied it to that aspect of my life, because honestly, I want to apply it to my health situation and my financial situation right now. It’s so easy to fall into despair, as I have been doing. Dustin has had to literally rock me to sleep on many nights. He is such a wonderful man, and such a good example. He never seems to worry about anything, but I can barely stop from trying to control my life; control my health, control the financial situation (and we’re really in dire straits right now), control everything.

    We watched ‘The Secret’ last night; after I finally agreed to do so. He’s been telling me to watch it for a long time. I guess I avoided it because 1) Oprah Winfrey loved it, and I don’t trust her to like much of anything, so I just assumed it would be completely secular.

    Have you seen it? I was surprised by what I learned. It made me understand prayer, and “waiting on the Lord” in a whole new way. It was totally the gospel — just voiced in a way that those who simply refuse to listen to the gospel can understand, anyway.

    I re-read Mormon 9:21 after watching that, and I realized something. The Lord really is willing to give us anything — ANYTHING — that we want. And the truth is, what we truly desire (not just those things we want on the surface) are good, righteous things. We all want good. Some just don’t realize it just yet.

    And the secret is – He’s willing to give it to us. But we have to ask. Then we have to look for the answer. And then we truly have to be willing to receive.

    In our unwillingness to let it go; to stop thinking about it and obsessing about it; to constantly think about what we DO NOT want (like our health problems!!) we are just putting more energy into it; and bringing it back to ourselves. That’s a lack of faith, isn’t it?

    Easier said than done. I’ve spent a whole day doing what I can to think positively, to push away the nagging worry and to ignore the pain searing through my body.

    But I believe it. We really have to let go. And then we have to enjoy what we do have, right now. Here.

    And then we can truly live.

    Reply
    • I haven’t seen it–or read it–but I do know its premise. I realized after the General Relief Society Broadcast that this year I need to focus on studying and applying how faith and covenants mix and mingle–and how they can strengthen me. Elder Nelson said that we often think of our covenants as fragile, and we forget who is on the other side.

      It definitely is easier said than done, however.

      Also: I really do want to work with you on what we talked about before (both Etsy and consulting, I really think we could do neat things) but I need to get caught up with school first. I’m getting there. We need to catch up soon. When are you down here again?

      Reply
      • I’m down there every Friday. I still have your print in my car, BTW.

        Yes, I get a feeling that the whole consulting thing would be a great venture. Etsy, perhaps — we’ll see. Anyway, even though I don’t love LOVE web development, I’m very good at it. And it would be worth bringing in some extra money, though it would take some time before that happened, I know.

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